My favorite Tweets January 9th-15th

Send help. All my gf talks about is Kristen Stewart liking women now.

— TaylorAileenHarrison (@goldieharrison) January 10, 2015

I want E-40 to officiate my wedding more than I want world peace.

— ✨fine ass feminist✨ (@holleratme) January 15, 2015

.@MaraWritesStuff this is what happened when I tried to google "women oscars snubbed" #priorities pic.twitter.com/5TL4L5N7pt

— Andrew Briedis (@AndrewBriedis) January 15, 2015

When I look at kids in their twenties out at the bars I think "your whole life is in front if you!*" *your whole miserable life

— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) January 15, 2015

The One Where Ross Isn't The Worst pic.twitter.com/Ee6OPMyxoF

— LaToya Ferguson (@lafergs) January 11, 2015

A human man just told me "Well, that's showbiz!" via Grindr

— Carey O'Donnell (@ecareyo) January 14, 2015

I wanna take the time to talk about people who hashtag their child's first and middle name on Instagram because they need our help.

— ♡ A L E X I S ♡ (@sassyblackdiva) January 16, 2015

if there's one thing i love more than freedom, it's speech. combine those two bad boys together? oh babey thats a tasty stew for daddy

— best matt brady imo (@mattvbrady) January 13, 2015

I bet Charlie Bucket's last living grandparent was secretly waiting to have a bed to herself. pic.twitter.com/GaWSobLAtV

— Libby Thomas (@notlibby) December 5, 2014

Girls have so many pillows on their beds because we have different ones for sleeping, punching, screaming into, and humping

— ⚡️Callipygian Muse⚡️ (@CalliopeTreize) January 12, 2015

why don't I employ clickbait more in my daily life? I'm gonna start titling emails "You'll Never Guess The Insane Story In This Message"

— Ann Midori (@ann_midori) January 12, 2015

I don't know why people say "love thy haters". I fucking hate my haters. They're assholes.

— Annie Preece (@foureyedannie) January 11, 2015

Okay so the words are gonna be "money money money money. money" but the fifth money should sound like a train of screaming souls rolling in

— Two Thousand Morey (@thats_a_morey) January 10, 2015

Favorite Tweets from January 2nd-8th

I turn around when I change in front of my cat because she has resting bitch face, judgmental eyes, and a mocking undertone to her purrs.

— Mermandi (@MandiHarris) January 4, 2015

Celebrities, I feel like in your break-up press release it's okay to not say you're going to stay friends after you split. We can handle it.

— V4PE D4D (@kirabira) January 8, 2015

My friend asked me to help him work on his car, but he doesn't know I'm only good at making shadow puppets in the lights.

— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) January 3, 2015

i just spent some time looking at google images of "majestic horses" this one is probably my favorite pic.twitter.com/t6QC2LcllL

— ben (@benicus_rex) January 8, 2015

I just wanna get to successful enough to tell somebody "I just need to move some money around"

— 808s & Hot Takes (@HiK_Bye) January 7, 2015

Coffee Bean employee: How would u like your oatmeal? Me: On fleek, please.

— Candice Thompson (@jokesbyCandice) January 8, 2015

Hearing Christmas music after Christmas is like seeing porn after you mastubate.

— Mike Betette (@Betette) January 6, 2015

I was wondering why no one answered my tweet and then I realized I never tweeted it and it was just a thought

— dalia ☥ (@daliamalek) January 8, 2015

These guys stiffed me on a tip, but can you really put a price on this block of Red Hot Chili Peppers they're playing on the jukebox?

— Steve Hernandez (@BigHern) January 3, 2015

"I'M JUST HERE FOR THE FREE BOOZE (and maybe your dick)!" -me on #TheBachelor

— Kelly Ryan (@KayArePea) January 6, 2015

Andrew Lloyd Webber still writes 1996 on his checks.

— Ryan Houlihan (@RyanHoulihan) January 5, 2015

It is Some Young Republican Who I Met In Portugal in Summer 2013 And Never Unfriended's birthday today

— sam leo stecklow (@samstecky) January 2, 2015