Favorite Tweets from January 2nd-8th

I turn around when I change in front of my cat because she has resting bitch face, judgmental eyes, and a mocking undertone to her purrs.

— Mermandi (@MandiHarris) January 4, 2015

Celebrities, I feel like in your break-up press release it's okay to not say you're going to stay friends after you split. We can handle it.

— V4PE D4D (@kirabira) January 8, 2015

My friend asked me to help him work on his car, but he doesn't know I'm only good at making shadow puppets in the lights.

— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) January 3, 2015

i just spent some time looking at google images of "majestic horses" this one is probably my favorite pic.twitter.com/t6QC2LcllL

— ben (@benicus_rex) January 8, 2015

I just wanna get to successful enough to tell somebody "I just need to move some money around"

— 808s & Hot Takes (@HiK_Bye) January 7, 2015

Coffee Bean employee: How would u like your oatmeal? Me: On fleek, please.

— Candice Thompson (@jokesbyCandice) January 8, 2015

Hearing Christmas music after Christmas is like seeing porn after you mastubate.

— Mike Betette (@Betette) January 6, 2015

I was wondering why no one answered my tweet and then I realized I never tweeted it and it was just a thought

— dalia ☥ (@daliamalek) January 8, 2015

These guys stiffed me on a tip, but can you really put a price on this block of Red Hot Chili Peppers they're playing on the jukebox?

— Steve Hernandez (@BigHern) January 3, 2015

"I'M JUST HERE FOR THE FREE BOOZE (and maybe your dick)!" -me on #TheBachelor

— Kelly Ryan (@KayArePea) January 6, 2015

Andrew Lloyd Webber still writes 1996 on his checks.

— Ryan Houlihan (@RyanHoulihan) January 5, 2015

It is Some Young Republican Who I Met In Portugal in Summer 2013 And Never Unfriended's birthday today

— sam leo stecklow (@samstecky) January 2, 2015