I turn around when I change in front of my cat because she has resting bitch face, judgmental eyes, and a mocking undertone to her purrs.
— Mermandi (@MandiHarris) January 4, 2015
Celebrities, I feel like in your break-up press release it's okay to not say you're going to stay friends after you split. We can handle it.
— V4PE D4D (@kirabira) January 8, 2015
My friend asked me to help him work on his car, but he doesn't know I'm only good at making shadow puppets in the lights.
— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) January 3, 2015
i just spent some time looking at google images of "majestic horses" this one is probably my favorite pic.twitter.com/t6QC2LcllL
— ben (@benicus_rex) January 8, 2015
I just wanna get to successful enough to tell somebody "I just need to move some money around"
— 808s & Hot Takes (@HiK_Bye) January 7, 2015
Coffee Bean employee: How would u like your oatmeal?
Me: On fleek, please.
— Candice Thompson (@jokesbyCandice) January 8, 2015
Hearing Christmas music after Christmas is like seeing porn after you mastubate.
— Mike Betette (@Betette) January 6, 2015
I was wondering why no one answered my tweet and then I realized I never tweeted it and it was just a thought
— dalia ☥ (@daliamalek) January 8, 2015
These guys stiffed me on a tip, but can you really put a price on this block of Red Hot Chili Peppers they're playing on the jukebox?
— Steve Hernandez (@BigHern) January 3, 2015
"I'M JUST HERE FOR THE FREE BOOZE (and maybe your dick)!" -me on #TheBachelor
— Kelly Ryan (@KayArePea) January 6, 2015
Andrew Lloyd Webber still writes 1996 on his checks.
— Ryan Houlihan (@RyanHoulihan) January 5, 2015
It is Some Young Republican Who I Met In Portugal in Summer 2013 And Never Unfriended's birthday today
— sam leo stecklow (@samstecky) January 2, 2015
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