Some Favorite Tweets of 2014

Here are some of my personal favorite Tweets of the year from people I follow. I will do part 2 if I'm up for it. Or you can yell at me @TheRachelFisher

All I'm saying is you don't hear Jews complaining about "the war on Hanukkah" and there actually was one.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 8, 2014

YES! The receipts at CVS are very long. We know, they know, everybody knows!

— Rick Wood (@Rickw00d) December 10, 2014

Red Lobster just sold for 2.1 Billion dollars, which is clearly shocking, considering I didn't know my grand mother had that kind of money.

— Isaiah Lester (@isaiahlester) May 16, 2014

Remember when getting the police officer occupation in the Game of Life meant you can spin a 10 and not have to pay a fine?

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) December 3, 2014

Is it even possible to not read this in pearl jam voice pic.twitter.com/JGFGs1GTNi

— lait sans frontières (@milkohol) November 28, 2014

A guy on grindr offered to come over and stuff my bird "until my eyes pop out" and I'm like, lol I'm not putting stuffing in my butt again.

— Pony (@MisanthroPony) November 27, 2014

"thanks! it has pockets!" --literally every woman wearing a dress that has pockets

— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) November 11, 2014

I love when guys "dress up" in a blazer and jeans. Because nothing is fancier than looking like you host "Double Dare."

— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) November 8, 2014

What's that? No, my insides aren't twisted into a million asymmetrical shapes, there's nothing on my mind, why?

— Chris Tognotti (@ctognotti) October 29, 2014

Let Joe @Buck be blessed with explosive diarrhea.

— MLB Jesus (@MLBJesus) October 29, 2014

I'm not doing your paleo diet and neither would cavemen if they were smart enough to invent pizza.

— Emily Thomas (@EmilySThomas) October 19, 2014

Wish I could take a cab from my couch to my bed

— donni (@donni) October 5, 2014

The Only busters I like is Buster Posey

— E40 The Game Spitter (@E40) October 1, 2014

Can you guys tell me how hot I am on a scale from 9 to 10 be honest I can take it

— Christopher Sweet (@kingofalltweets) July 26, 2014

We're all going to ignore the fact that Bastian's dad in NeverEnding Story blended up raw eggs and drank them right in our fucking faces?!

— Toyotajhon (@JhonRules) July 1, 2014

Fall always reminds me of the time I used my friend's dad's computer and his screensaver was a girl sticking a butternut squash in her pussy

— desi jedeikin (@DesiJedeikin) September 2, 2014

I've never eaten and gotten full and been like "whew, that's enough. Time to stop eating." I EAT UNTIL I CAN ONLY FEEL PAIN

— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) August 31, 2014

At the Almost 30 Choice Awards, Joshua Jackson wins everything.

— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) August 11, 2014

Women can split open our bodies & chuck living human beings out of our midsections so how about you go ahead & pay us as much as men.

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 23, 2014

If ur a divorced detective with empty Lo Mein boxes strewn about, the only way ur going to solve that case is if u get fired from it first

— s (@septembawest) January 16, 2014

lol at your wedding registry. I'm a single dude living on Pop-Tarts how bout you buy me a fucking toaster, Karen.

— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2014

I’m marginally depressed. In a casual, LL Bean way. Like imagine someone in a cable-knit sweater and French sailor boat-neck shirt giving up

— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) August 2, 2014

Way to ruin the surprise, Spanish exclamation points.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) August 22, 2014

When I see a white person using chopsticks I yell "WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU LEARN OUR SECRETS" to make them feel extra badass

— Ed Lee (@smedlee) January 8, 2014

Does the indie film community have some unspoken/secret agreement to include a boring white guy character named Jeff in every movie?

— J. Patrick Rigney (@jpatrickrigney) September 7, 2014

Imagine a world where straight guys based their masculinity on being a good man instead of just not being gay

— Jenny Young (@heyjennyyoung) June 5, 2014

30 miles after my fuel light comes on, there should be a 2nd light that comes on that says, "Bitch, I mean it."

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 28, 2014

Snapped into a Slim Jim and awakened an ancient, evil spirit.

— Ray Ramos (@dragnut) September 6, 2014

Beyoncé uses the same PR team as sunsets and cake.

— Ryan Houlihan (@RyanHoulihan) August 25, 2014

My ideal situation right now would involve being hugged and fed pie at the same time.

— Evan J'daté Kessler (@EvanJKessler) May 15, 2014

If i used a dating site my profile would say "how can we make sure you are not 100% in every possible horrifically precise way my dad"

— d'alia ☥ (@daliamalek) December 29, 2014

Unemployment is a really long joke with no punchline.

— Hillary S (@hillarywuzhere) August 20, 2014

Sorry I was late for work it's just I fucking hate it here.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) June 30, 2014

It would be amazing if you could put the funniest tweets into Google Translator and understand all the raw pain that goes into being funny.

— ⚡️Callipygian Muse⚡️ (@CalliopeTreize) April 11, 2014

maybe mommy was kissing santa claus because daddy never went down on her

— amber (@soleilalaplage) November 27, 2014

just burped and thought it was pony starting to play on the radio

— hope cantwell (@hopiecan) December 26, 2014

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 30, 2014

"Do what you love" is shitty career advice because mostly what I love is spending time alone and eating breakfast food.

— Laura (@LauraLikesWine) January 29, 2014

"I'm just saying." Yes. I know how words work, thank you.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 30, 2014

Pretty In Pink [PG-13, 1986]: A poor girl turns an out-of-style prom dress into a butt-ugly prom dress

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) December 28, 2014

If I've learned anything from TV it's that the President spends most of his day getting interrupted while trying to read documents.

— BridgetPhetasy (@BridgetPhetasy) December 23, 2014

Timing my order exactly so I can make out with the pizza man at the stroke of midnight. #joinin

— jenniferlauren (@jenhasgreathair) December 31, 2014

I bet the BBC version of my life is way better.

— katrin (@KatraHigher) May 26, 2014

when you're a kid you're like "how do actors cry so easily?" and when you grow up you're like "how is anyone ever not crying?"

— Lawnmower Religion (@joshbupkes) May 19, 2014

This week's #serialpodcast focuses on Jay & the fact that his perm is in tact even tho he said he was in the shower @ the time of the murder

— Beatrice K. (@beatriceHYW) November 13, 2014