My favorite Tweets January 9th-15th

Send help. All my gf talks about is Kristen Stewart liking women now.

— TaylorAileenHarrison (@goldieharrison) January 10, 2015

I want E-40 to officiate my wedding more than I want world peace.

— ✨fine ass feminist✨ (@holleratme) January 15, 2015

.@MaraWritesStuff this is what happened when I tried to google "women oscars snubbed" #priorities pic.twitter.com/5TL4L5N7pt

— Andrew Briedis (@AndrewBriedis) January 15, 2015

When I look at kids in their twenties out at the bars I think "your whole life is in front if you!*" *your whole miserable life

— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) January 15, 2015

The One Where Ross Isn't The Worst pic.twitter.com/Ee6OPMyxoF

— LaToya Ferguson (@lafergs) January 11, 2015

A human man just told me "Well, that's showbiz!" via Grindr

— Carey O'Donnell (@ecareyo) January 14, 2015

I wanna take the time to talk about people who hashtag their child's first and middle name on Instagram because they need our help.

— ♡ A L E X I S ♡ (@sassyblackdiva) January 16, 2015

if there's one thing i love more than freedom, it's speech. combine those two bad boys together? oh babey thats a tasty stew for daddy

— best matt brady imo (@mattvbrady) January 13, 2015

I bet Charlie Bucket's last living grandparent was secretly waiting to have a bed to herself. pic.twitter.com/GaWSobLAtV

— Libby Thomas (@notlibby) December 5, 2014

Girls have so many pillows on their beds because we have different ones for sleeping, punching, screaming into, and humping

— ⚡️Callipygian Muse⚡️ (@CalliopeTreize) January 12, 2015

why don't I employ clickbait more in my daily life? I'm gonna start titling emails "You'll Never Guess The Insane Story In This Message"

— Ann Midori (@ann_midori) January 12, 2015

I don't know why people say "love thy haters". I fucking hate my haters. They're assholes.

— Annie Preece (@foureyedannie) January 11, 2015

Okay so the words are gonna be "money money money money. money" but the fifth money should sound like a train of screaming souls rolling in

— Two Thousand Morey (@thats_a_morey) January 10, 2015

Favorite Tweets from January 2nd-8th

I turn around when I change in front of my cat because she has resting bitch face, judgmental eyes, and a mocking undertone to her purrs.

— Mermandi (@MandiHarris) January 4, 2015

Celebrities, I feel like in your break-up press release it's okay to not say you're going to stay friends after you split. We can handle it.

— V4PE D4D (@kirabira) January 8, 2015

My friend asked me to help him work on his car, but he doesn't know I'm only good at making shadow puppets in the lights.

— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) January 3, 2015

i just spent some time looking at google images of "majestic horses" this one is probably my favorite pic.twitter.com/t6QC2LcllL

— ben (@benicus_rex) January 8, 2015

I just wanna get to successful enough to tell somebody "I just need to move some money around"

— 808s & Hot Takes (@HiK_Bye) January 7, 2015

Coffee Bean employee: How would u like your oatmeal? Me: On fleek, please.

— Candice Thompson (@jokesbyCandice) January 8, 2015

Hearing Christmas music after Christmas is like seeing porn after you mastubate.

— Mike Betette (@Betette) January 6, 2015

I was wondering why no one answered my tweet and then I realized I never tweeted it and it was just a thought

— dalia ☥ (@daliamalek) January 8, 2015

These guys stiffed me on a tip, but can you really put a price on this block of Red Hot Chili Peppers they're playing on the jukebox?

— Steve Hernandez (@BigHern) January 3, 2015

"I'M JUST HERE FOR THE FREE BOOZE (and maybe your dick)!" -me on #TheBachelor

— Kelly Ryan (@KayArePea) January 6, 2015

Andrew Lloyd Webber still writes 1996 on his checks.

— Ryan Houlihan (@RyanHoulihan) January 5, 2015

It is Some Young Republican Who I Met In Portugal in Summer 2013 And Never Unfriended's birthday today

— sam leo stecklow (@samstecky) January 2, 2015

Some Favorite Tweets of 2014

Here are some of my personal favorite Tweets of the year from people I follow. I will do part 2 if I'm up for it. Or you can yell at me @TheRachelFisher

All I'm saying is you don't hear Jews complaining about "the war on Hanukkah" and there actually was one.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 8, 2014

YES! The receipts at CVS are very long. We know, they know, everybody knows!

— Rick Wood (@Rickw00d) December 10, 2014

Red Lobster just sold for 2.1 Billion dollars, which is clearly shocking, considering I didn't know my grand mother had that kind of money.

— Isaiah Lester (@isaiahlester) May 16, 2014

Remember when getting the police officer occupation in the Game of Life meant you can spin a 10 and not have to pay a fine?

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) December 3, 2014

Is it even possible to not read this in pearl jam voice pic.twitter.com/JGFGs1GTNi

— lait sans frontières (@milkohol) November 28, 2014

A guy on grindr offered to come over and stuff my bird "until my eyes pop out" and I'm like, lol I'm not putting stuffing in my butt again.

— Pony (@MisanthroPony) November 27, 2014

"thanks! it has pockets!" --literally every woman wearing a dress that has pockets

— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) November 11, 2014

I love when guys "dress up" in a blazer and jeans. Because nothing is fancier than looking like you host "Double Dare."

— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) November 8, 2014

What's that? No, my insides aren't twisted into a million asymmetrical shapes, there's nothing on my mind, why?

— Chris Tognotti (@ctognotti) October 29, 2014

Let Joe @Buck be blessed with explosive diarrhea.

— MLB Jesus (@MLBJesus) October 29, 2014

I'm not doing your paleo diet and neither would cavemen if they were smart enough to invent pizza.

— Emily Thomas (@EmilySThomas) October 19, 2014

Wish I could take a cab from my couch to my bed

— donni (@donni) October 5, 2014

The Only busters I like is Buster Posey

— E40 The Game Spitter (@E40) October 1, 2014

Can you guys tell me how hot I am on a scale from 9 to 10 be honest I can take it

— Christopher Sweet (@kingofalltweets) July 26, 2014

We're all going to ignore the fact that Bastian's dad in NeverEnding Story blended up raw eggs and drank them right in our fucking faces?!

— Toyotajhon (@JhonRules) July 1, 2014

Fall always reminds me of the time I used my friend's dad's computer and his screensaver was a girl sticking a butternut squash in her pussy

— desi jedeikin (@DesiJedeikin) September 2, 2014

I've never eaten and gotten full and been like "whew, that's enough. Time to stop eating." I EAT UNTIL I CAN ONLY FEEL PAIN

— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) August 31, 2014

At the Almost 30 Choice Awards, Joshua Jackson wins everything.

— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) August 11, 2014

Women can split open our bodies & chuck living human beings out of our midsections so how about you go ahead & pay us as much as men.

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 23, 2014

If ur a divorced detective with empty Lo Mein boxes strewn about, the only way ur going to solve that case is if u get fired from it first

— s (@septembawest) January 16, 2014

lol at your wedding registry. I'm a single dude living on Pop-Tarts how bout you buy me a fucking toaster, Karen.

— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2014

I’m marginally depressed. In a casual, LL Bean way. Like imagine someone in a cable-knit sweater and French sailor boat-neck shirt giving up

— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) August 2, 2014

Way to ruin the surprise, Spanish exclamation points.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) August 22, 2014

When I see a white person using chopsticks I yell "WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU LEARN OUR SECRETS" to make them feel extra badass

— Ed Lee (@smedlee) January 8, 2014

Does the indie film community have some unspoken/secret agreement to include a boring white guy character named Jeff in every movie?

— J. Patrick Rigney (@jpatrickrigney) September 7, 2014

Imagine a world where straight guys based their masculinity on being a good man instead of just not being gay

— Jenny Young (@heyjennyyoung) June 5, 2014

30 miles after my fuel light comes on, there should be a 2nd light that comes on that says, "Bitch, I mean it."

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 28, 2014

Snapped into a Slim Jim and awakened an ancient, evil spirit.

— Ray Ramos (@dragnut) September 6, 2014

Beyoncé uses the same PR team as sunsets and cake.

— Ryan Houlihan (@RyanHoulihan) August 25, 2014

My ideal situation right now would involve being hugged and fed pie at the same time.

— Evan J'daté Kessler (@EvanJKessler) May 15, 2014

If i used a dating site my profile would say "how can we make sure you are not 100% in every possible horrifically precise way my dad"

— d'alia ☥ (@daliamalek) December 29, 2014

Unemployment is a really long joke with no punchline.

— Hillary S (@hillarywuzhere) August 20, 2014

Sorry I was late for work it's just I fucking hate it here.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) June 30, 2014

It would be amazing if you could put the funniest tweets into Google Translator and understand all the raw pain that goes into being funny.

— ⚡️Callipygian Muse⚡️ (@CalliopeTreize) April 11, 2014

maybe mommy was kissing santa claus because daddy never went down on her

— amber (@soleilalaplage) November 27, 2014

just burped and thought it was pony starting to play on the radio

— hope cantwell (@hopiecan) December 26, 2014

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 30, 2014

"Do what you love" is shitty career advice because mostly what I love is spending time alone and eating breakfast food.

— Laura (@LauraLikesWine) January 29, 2014

"I'm just saying." Yes. I know how words work, thank you.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 30, 2014

Pretty In Pink [PG-13, 1986]: A poor girl turns an out-of-style prom dress into a butt-ugly prom dress

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) December 28, 2014

If I've learned anything from TV it's that the President spends most of his day getting interrupted while trying to read documents.

— BridgetPhetasy (@BridgetPhetasy) December 23, 2014

Timing my order exactly so I can make out with the pizza man at the stroke of midnight. #joinin

— jenniferlauren (@jenhasgreathair) December 31, 2014

I bet the BBC version of my life is way better.

— katrin (@KatraHigher) May 26, 2014

when you're a kid you're like "how do actors cry so easily?" and when you grow up you're like "how is anyone ever not crying?"

— Lawnmower Religion (@joshbupkes) May 19, 2014

This week's #serialpodcast focuses on Jay & the fact that his perm is in tact even tho he said he was in the shower @ the time of the murder

— Beatrice K. (@beatriceHYW) November 13, 2014

Favorite Tweets December 19th-25th

The point of Lesser Known Tweets is to showcase accounts of writers that I've noticed are seriously underrepresented on Twitter lists. This includes people with less followers, people of color, and people in the LGBT community. This list is not meant to be cliquey or exclusive and does not wish to solely include my own personal friends. If you have a suggestion of an account you think is worth checking out, hit me up (nicely)on Twitter. @TheRachelFisher

"I hope Santa brought me my period," I say while staring at the corner where a Christmas tree ought to be

— ⚡️Callipygian Muse⚡️ (@CalliopeTreize) December 25, 2014

I dropped burger on my shirt and these cats are licking it which is great bc nothing says "stable" like appearing to breastfeed cats.

— Liss (@alissaisok) December 24, 2014

My blind loyalty to Love Actually in the face of all criticism makes me understand fundamentalists who eschew scientific evidence.

— Rye Silverbells (@ryesilverman) December 23, 2014

MY YEAR END REVIEW: I burped, there's $17 in my bank account.

— Isaiah Lester (@isaiahlester) December 23, 2014

I love it when women say they won't sleep with a man who wears skinny jeans. Gurl, you may not be the target audience.

— Pony (@MisanthroPony) December 25, 2014

Ask yaself if Rihanna would fav the tweet before you post it. She wouldn't. Delete your Twitter

— s (@septembawest) December 23, 2014

idk why someone had to hack sony when all you really have to do is drive through culver city and listen to loud car Bluetooth convos

— amber (@soleilalaplage) December 23, 2014

The "Santa Tracker" is a wonderful way to explain to children that everything on the news is bullshit.

— Beatrice K. (@beatriceHYW) December 24, 2014

Sorry I'm late, I plugged my phone into my Mac and died waiting for iPhoto to open

— Toyotajhon (@JhonRules) December 23, 2014

The scene of middle aged coworkers playing jumbo Jenga at the bar last night was a solid visual metaphor for Tampa

— Hillary S (@hillarywuzhere) December 20, 2014

Favorite Tweets December 12th-19th

First post. Welcome to Lesser Known Tweets, where I bring you my personal favorite Tweets of the week from accounts with way less followers than they deserve. Mostly from accounts with less than 2k followers. I'll be posting weekly (unless I get over it).

When is Chris Gaines going to drop this Christmas album?!!!

— Katie Pike (@Kt_Pike) December 16, 2014

Umm... I work freelance for Yelp as an independent reviewer. DO NOT mess with me.

— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) December 17, 2014

Can't wait for society to become progressive enough that my sexy chill house-husband dreamboat can finally become a reality

— Jenny Young (@heyjennyyoung) December 18, 2014

"Betcha they're smart/Betcha they collect things like ashtrays and art." - Annie, about her prospective gay dads

— Jordan Veilleux (@veilleuxwho) December 13, 2014

barack obama called james franco, james "flacco." imo, that's enough to warrant an unprecedented 3rd term in office.

— Deus Ex Machina (@TheReelAnderson) December 19, 2014

It's too bad, because Jizz is a cute name for a baby

— desi jedeikin (@DesiJedeikin) December 19, 2014

My phone keeps correcting "gem" to "JEM" because gay.

— Ryan Houlihan (@RyanHoulihan) December 18, 2014

Between global warming and an unmentionable racist white rapper, Igloos officially having the worst year ever

— 808s & Hot Takes (@HiK_Bye) December 19, 2014